Turkey Ham

Is your Email box full of Spam? Maybe it's Turkey Ham--better than Spam, not quite the real thing...our name for the best of those cute/weird/funny/inspirational Email messages your friends and their friends' friends' friends keep passing around. We’ve collected some of the better ones here. We've also included a few items that pre-date the Email era. 

 
Links Accident Report Allergic to Bullets
Anagrams Aphorisms for the Computer Age Baby Boomer Woes
Best T-Shirt Slogans Born in 1980 Born in 1990
Best Headlines Bob Hope on Aging Bumper Stickers
Chicken Crossing Children Children's Letters to God
Citizenship Questions Cold Country Songs
Cowboy's Guide Cynic's Guide Deep Thoughts
Disease Prevention Doctor Geezer's Clinic     
Eight Thoughts to Ponder Efficiency Expert English Is Easy
Goodbye to Muffin Grandma's Bumper Sticker Half-Baked Obituary
Hot in Fresno How to Tell You're Getting Older How Small is Small
Human Condition Indiana Snow Instructions for Life
Lexophile Humor Miscellaneous Data A Moment in History
More Headlines Murphy's Other Laws My Email Education
Not So Smart 100 Years Ago Punography
Quiz to Make You Think Realizations with Age The Speed of Beer
Ten Little Doctors A Trip to COSTCO True Ads
Truths Virus Alert? Warning Labels
Why I Like Retirement Wisdom for Our Time Words to Live By
  Changes & Updates  
 

Best T-Shirts of the Summer

(around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won.

I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy.

If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going.

At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...I Just Can't Remember It All.

My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.

I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do.

If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?

Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount.

Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.

(on the back of a passing motorcyclist) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off.

I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now.

(Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor.

What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About.

I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian

Liberal Arts Major... Will Think For Money.

Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional

IRS--Be Audit You Can Be.

Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.

If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen.

The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt.

Old Age Comes at a Bad Time.

In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take.

First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.

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Dance Like Nobody’s Watching

Jeff was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jeff was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jeff was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jeff and asked him, "I don’t get it! You can’t be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jeff replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jeff, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. "I choose the positive side of life."

"Yeah, right, it’s not that easy," I protested. "Yes, it is," Jeff said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It’s your choice how you live life." I reflected on what Jeff said.

Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Jeff did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jeff was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jeff was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.

I saw Jeff about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he said, "If I were any better, I’d be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jeff replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live.

"Weren’t you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Jeff continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, ‘He’s a dead man.’ I knew I needed to take action." "What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jeff. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. ‘Yes,’ I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, ‘Bullets’! Over their laughter, I told them, ‘I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.’" Jeff lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.

Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.

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Anagrams

An ANAGRAM is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite astounding!

Dormitory = Dirty Room

Evangelist = Evil's Agent

Desperation = A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code = Here Come Dots

Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity = Is No Amity

Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness = Genuine Class

Semolina = Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one

Contradiction = Accord not in it

This one is amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare]

To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune = In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

Politicians:

George Herbert Walker Bush = Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog

George Bush = He bugs Gore

Ronald Wilson Reagan = A long-insane Warlord

(or) Insane Anglo warlord

Ronald Reagan = A darn long era

Leroy Newton Gingrich = Yon Right-winger Clone

Margaret Thatcher = That great charmer

The Conservative Party = Teacher in vast poverty

President Clinton of the USA = To copulate he finds interns

Monica Samille Lewinsky = Slick Willie's my A-one man!

Hillary Clinton = Only I can thrill

And the grand finale: (Neil A. Armstrong)

That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind = A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

Baby boomer woes...

Then: Killer weed
Now: Weed killer

Then: Paar
Now: AARP

Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine

Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM

Then: Getting your head stoned
Now: Getting your headstone

Then: Keg
Now: EKG

Then: Passing the driving test
Now: Passing the vision test

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your folks.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your
kids.

Then: Swallowing acid
Now: Swallowing antacid

Then: Obsessing over your PSAT scores
Now: Obsessing over your PSA scores

Then: You're growing pot
Now: Your growing pot

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or
Elizabeth Taylor

Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying president
Now: Fighting to keep the lying president

Then: President Johnson
Now: The president's johnson

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint

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Best Newspaper Headlines of the Year - 1999

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

11. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

16. War Dims Hope for Peace

17. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

22. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

23. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

24. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

25. Viagra Thief Gets Stiff Sentence

--Gary Larkin

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Born in 1980 

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshmen. Here is list for 1998 (class of 2002).

1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.

2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and did not know he had ever been shot.

3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

5. There has been only one Pope. They can only really remember one president.

6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.

7. They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie.

8. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

9. Tianamen Square means nothing to them.

10. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

11. Bottle caps have always been screw-off and plastic recycled.

12. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.

13. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.

14. They have never owned a record player.

15. They have likely never played Pac-Man and have never heard of Pong.

16. Star Wars look very fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic.

17. There have always been red M&M's and blue ones are not new. There used to be beige ones?

18. They may have heard of an 8 track, but probably never have actually seen or heard one.

19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.

20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.

21. They have always had an answering machine.

22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and white TV.

23. They have always had cable.

24. There has always been VCR's, but they have no idea what BETA is.

25. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

26. They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.

27. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.

28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.

29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

30. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

31. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player.

32. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII or even the Civil War.

34. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

35. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

36. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

37. They never heard: "Where's the beef?" "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "de plane, de plane!"

38. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.

39. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.

40. Michael Jackson has always been white.

41. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.

42. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

43. There has always been MTV.


Now let's fast forward to the class of 2012:

Students entering college for the first time this fall were generally born in 1990.

For these students, Sammy Davis Jr., Jim Henson, Ryan White, Stevie Ray Vaughan and Freddy Krueger have always been dead.

1. Harry Potter could be a classmate, playing on their Quidditch team.

2.
Since they were in diapers, karaoke machines have been annoying people at parties.

3. They have always been looking for Carmen Sandiego.

4. GPS satellite navigation systems have always been available.

5. Coke and Pepsi have always used recycled plastic bottles.

6. Shampoo and conditioner have always been available in the same bottle.

7. Gas stations have never fixed flats, but most serve cappuccino.

8. Their parents may have dropped them in shock when they heard George Bush announce "tax revenue increases."

9. Electronic filing of tax returns has always been an option.

10. Girls in head scarves have always been part of the school fashion scene.

11. All have had a relative--or known about a friend's relative--who died comfortably at home with Hospice.

12. As a precursor to "whatever," they have recognized that some people "just don’t get it."

13. Universal Studios has always offered an alternative to Mickey in Orlando.

14. Grandma has always had wheels on her walker.

15. Martha Stewart Living has always been setting the style.

16. Haagen-Dazs ice cream has always come in quarts.

17. Club Med resorts have always been places to take the whole family.

18. WWW has never stood for World Wide Wrestling.

19. Films have never been X rated, only NC-17.

20. The Warsaw Pact is as hazy for them as the League of Nations was for their parents.

21. Students have always been "Rocking the Vote."

22. Clarence Thomas has always sat on the Supreme Court.

23. Schools have always been concerned about multiculturalism.

24. We have always known that "All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten."

25. There have always been gay rabbis.

26. Wayne Newton has never had a mustache.

27. College grads have always been able to Teach for America.

28. IBM has never made typewriters.

29. Roseanne Barr has never been invited to sing the National Anthem again.

30. McDonald’s and Burger King have always used vegetable oil for cooking french fries.

31. They have never been able to color a tree using a raw umber Crayola.

32. There has always been Pearl Jam.

33. The Tonight Show has always been hosted by Jay Leno and started at 11:35 EST. Pee-Wee has never been in his playhouse during the day.

34. They never tasted Benefit Cereal with psyllium.

35. They may have been given a Nintendo Game Boy to play with in the crib.

36. Authorities have always been building a wall along the Mexican border.

37. Lenin’s name has never been on a major city in Russia.

38. Employers have always been able to do credit checks on employees.

39. Balsamic vinegar has always been available in the U.S.

40. Macaulay Culkin has always been Home Alone.

41. Their parents may have watched The American Gladiators on TV the day they were born.

42. Personal privacy has always been threatened.

43. Caller ID has always been available on phones.

44. Living wills have always been asked for at hospital check-ins.

45. The Green Bay Packers (almost) always had the same starting quarterback.

46. They never heard an attendant ask "Want me to check under the hood?"

47. Iced tea has always come in cans and bottles.

48. Soft drink refills have always been free.

49. They have never known life without Seinfeld references from a show about "nothing."

50. Windows 3.0 operating system made IBM PCs user-friendly the year they were born.

51. Muscovites have always been able to buy Big Macs.

52. The Royal New Zealand Navy has never been permitted a daily ration of rum.

53. The Hubble Space Telescope has always been eavesdropping on the heavens.

54. 98.6 F or otherwise has always been confirmed in the ear.

55. Michael Milken has always been a philanthropist promoting prostate cancer research.

56. Off-shore oil drilling in the United States has always been prohibited.

57. Radio stations have never been required to present both sides of public issues.

58. There have always been charter schools.

59. Students always had Goosebumps.

And here's everything from the class of '02 to the class of 2015

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Sayings That Should be Bumper Stickers

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

Montana -- At least our cows are sane! 

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. 

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Keep honking...I'm reloading.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

Do I look like a freakin' people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing and  still have most of it left.

I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.

And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.

Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Back off! You're standing in my aura.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

You look like poop. Is that the style now?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

An erection doesn't count as personal growth.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

You! Off my planet!

Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

I have a computer, a pizza delivery and a vibrator. Why should I leave the house?

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

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You Are a Marvel

Each second we live is a new and unique moment of the universe, a moment that will never be again. And what do we teach our children? We teach them that two and two make four, and that Paris is the capital of France.

When will we also teach them what they are?

We should say to each of them: Do you know what you are? You are a marvel. You are unique. In all the years that have passed, there has never been another child like you. Your legs, your arms, your clever fingers, the way you move.

You may become a Shakespeare, a Michelangelo, a Beethoven. You have the capacity for anything. Yes, you are a marvel. And when you grow up, can you then harm another who is, like you, a marvel?

You must work - we must all work - to make the world worthy of its children.

By Pablo Casals from Chicken Soup for the Soul Copyright 1993 by Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

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Cold is Relative 

Degrees (Fahrenheit)

65 Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night

60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

50 Miami residents turn on the heat

45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts

40 You can see your breath

      Californians shiver uncontrollably

      Minnesotans go swimming

35 Italian cars don't start

32 Water freezes

30 You plan your vacation to Australia

25 Ohio water freezes

      Californians weep pitiably

      Minnesotans eat ice cream

      Canadians go swimming

20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless

      New York City water freezes

      Miami residents plan vacation further South

15 French cars don't start

      Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

10 You need jumper cables to get the car going

5 American cars don't start

0 Alaskans put on T-shirts

-10 German cars don't start

      Eyes freeze shut when you blink

-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo

      Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects

      Miami residents cease to exist

-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you

      Politicians actually do something about the homeless

      Minnesotans shovel snow off roof

      Japanese cars don't start

-25 Too cold to think

      You need jumper cables to get the driver going

-30 You plan a two week hot bath

      Swedish cars don't start

-40 Californians disappear

      Minnesotans button top button

      Canadians put on sweaters

      Your car helps you plan your trip South

-50 Congressional hot air freezes

      Alaskans close the bathroom window

-80 Hell freezes over

      Polar bears move South

      Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game

-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

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Country Song Titles

Those of you who read New York magazine know that at the back of most issues is a competition in which readers are given a situation and asked to crack wise. A recent one invited readers to invent titles for country songs. Here are some of my favorites:

I'm Proud to Be an Okie Singin' Karaoke

Some Assembly Is Required for the Pieces of My Heart

I'm Sending No More E-mail to My Female

I Only Miss You on a Day That Ends in Why

She Walked with Her Hair Held High

I Sent You My Love Priority Overnight, but All I Got from You Was Second-day Air

Broken Down by Age and Sex

Ain't No Trash Been in My Trailer Since the Night I Threw You Out

Kentucky, My Kind of Town

I'll Take 'Heartbreak' for $500, Alex, Please

You Want to Get Hitched, but My Heart Is Filled with Whoa

Baked My Sweetie a Pie but He Left with a Tart

The Peach I Picked in Georgia Didn't Cling to Me for Long

My Baby Put Me Through the Wringer and then Stole the Washer from My Front Porch

The Chicken Ain't Been the Same Since You Been Gone

It Just Ain't a Militia Since You've Gone

I've Got a Rambler in My Driveway and a Rover in My Bed

If You Leave Me, Can I Come, Too?

Whacked Between the Eyes with the Two-by-Four of Love

Her Coffee's So Bad, I've Got Grounds for Divorce

I Got 57 Channels to My Heart and You Lost the Remote

me@brokenhearted.com

Whatever You've Been Up To Is Getting Me Down

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Deep Thoughts

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Where do forest rangers go "to get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are!

Dogs come when they're called. Cats take a message and get back to you.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

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Not so Smart

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

A walking argument to support pre-natal elimination and reduction of adverse gene pools.

A room temperature IQ.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

When faced with any adversity, this person would blindly lead them into the fray and persevere until everyone was dead.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

On an charisma scale of one to ten, with ten being best, would score repeatedly in double digit negative numbers.

A prime candidate for natural deselection.

Bright as Alaska in December.

Has the personality of a rock, and that is insulting to granite.

As a leader, would be followed by others only by object curiosity about disasters in action.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

So dense, light bends around him.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. -

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

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Cynic's Guide to Life

01. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

02. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

03. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

04. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

05. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

06. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

07. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

08. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

09. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the "Whatever the thing in the tinfoil in the back of the fridge is".

10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!

12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.

16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.

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A Cowboy's Guide to Life 

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.

Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's sure crucial to know what it was.

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Bricklayer's Accident Report

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

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Quiz

Take this quiz:

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.

6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier? The lesson?

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.

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Questions Asked in U.S. Citizenship Test

1. How many stars are there on our flag?

2. What do the stars on the flag mean?

3. What color are the stripes?

4. What do the stripes on the flag mean?

5. What is the date of Independence Day?

6. Independence from whom?

7. What do we call a change to the Constitution?

8. How many branches are there in our government?

9. How many full terms can a president serve?

10. Who nominates judges of the Supreme Court?

11. How many Supreme Court justices are there?

12. Who was the main writer of the Declaration of Independence?

13. What holiday was celebrated for the first time by American colonists?

14. Who wrote the Star-Spangled Banner?

15. What is the minimum voting age in the United States?

16. Who was president during the Civil War?

17. Which president is called the "Father of our Country?"

18. What is the 50th state of the Union?

19. What is the name of the ship that brought the Pilgrims to America?

20. Who has the power to declare war?

21. What were the 13 original states of the United States called?

22. In what year was the Constitution written?

23. What is the introduction to the Constitution called?

24. Which president was the first Commander in Chief of the United States Army and Navy?

25. In what month do we vote for the president?

26. How many times may a senator be re-elected?

27. Who signs bills into law?

28. Who elects the president of the United States?

29. How many states are there in the United States?

30. Who becomes president if both the president and vice president die?

Answers

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

JERRY FALWELL:

Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.


KEN STARR:

I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he co-operates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)


PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.


DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!


ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.


MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.


GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.


ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.


SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.


RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?


CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.


FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?


MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.


FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.


BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.


EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?


BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?


IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history.


LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.


THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.


COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?


L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

RAY CURRY: The chicken went down to the crossroads and tried to beg a ride. Nobody seemed to know him, everyone passed on by.

DONNA BINKLEY: To get away from the rooster.

THE TRUTH: To prove to the raccoon that it could be done.

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Efficiency Expert

An efficiency expert was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. The next morning she wrote a memo to the concert office:

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced and their work spread over the whole orchestra, avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All 12 violins were playing identical notes. This seems to be unneeded duplication, and the staff of this section should be cut. If a volume of sound is really required, this could be accomplished with the use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This appear to be an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes be rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done, it would be possible to use para-professionals instead of experienced musicians.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated then the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

5. The symphony had two movements. If Mr. Schubert didn't achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should have stopped there.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Mr. Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had time to finish the symphony.

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Disease Prevention

Miss Bee was in her eighties and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bee had flipped . . . or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bee," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this" (pointing to the bowl.)

"Oh yes," she replied "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all winter!"

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Grandma's Bumper Sticker

Grandma bought a bumper sticker for her old Buick and promptly wrote to her family...

My dearest family:

The other day I went to the local Christian book store where I saw a "Honk if You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad that I did! What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and I didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked. I found lots of folks who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started honking like crazy! He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out the window and yelled "Jesus Christ" as loud as he could. It was like a football game, with him shouting "Go, Jesus Christ, Go!" Everyone else was soon honking as well, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled at all those loving people.

There was some guy from Florida because I could hear him yelling about a "sunny beach" and I saw him wave at me in a peculiar way sticking his middle finger up in the air. Luckily, I had just asked my two grandsons what such a gesture meant and they just looked at each other and giggled and told me it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and returned the gesture.

A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment they actually got out of their cars and began to walk toward me. I assumed they wanted to pray but then I noticed the light had changed to green, so I stepped on the gas. Its a good thing I did because I was the only one to make it through the intersection before it turned back to red.

Not wanting the experience to end, I looked back, and seeing all those good folks standing around, I leaned out the window and with a wide smile held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful people.

Love, Grandma

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General thoughts on the Human Condition

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, 'I should hope not? If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' --Larry Miller

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them? -- Marilyn Pittman

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? --Robin Williams

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad. -- Christopher Case

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. --Conan O'Brien

The statistics on sanity are that 1 out of every 4 Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your 3 best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. --Rita Mae Brown

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner --Lynda Montgomery

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.’ --Richard Jeni

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. --Johnny Carson

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. --Paul Rodriguez

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? -- Warren Hutcherson

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. --Jeff Stilson

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? -- Marsha Warfield

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? -- George Carlin

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. --Carol Leifer

The 2nd day of a diet is always easier than the 1st. By the 2nd day you're off it. --Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like fries with that?" --Jay Leno

Don't spend $2 to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents. -- William Coronel

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. --Oscar Wilde

Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself. --Mark Twain

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait. --A. Whitney Brown

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Instructions for Life

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

2. Memorize your favorite poem.

3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

4. When you say, "I love you", mean it.

5. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.

6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

7. Believe in love at first sight.

8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams.

9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

11. Don't judge people by their relatives.

12. Talk slowly but think quickly.

13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

15. Call your mom.

16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

18. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.

19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps

21.Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

22. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

23. Spend some time alone.

24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

26. Read more books and watch less TV.

27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.

28. Trust in God but lock your car.

29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.

30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.

31. Read between the lines.

32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.

33. Be gentle with the earth.

34. Pray. There's immeasurable power in it.

35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.

36. Mind your own business.

37. Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss.

38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.

40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.

41. Learn the rules then break some.

42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.

43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

44. Remember that your character is your destiny.

45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

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Children's Letters to God

Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have? -Jane

Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry

Dear God, If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes. -Mickey

Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan

Dear God, In school they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on vacation? -Jane

Dear God, I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell me. -Love, Alison

Dear God, Are you really invisible or is it just a trick? -Lucy

Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita

Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan

Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear God, What does it mean you are a Jealous God? I thought you had everything. -Jane

Dear God, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. -Darla

Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce

Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. your friend, (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear God, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L.

Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. -Bruce

Dear God, If we come back as something - Please don't let me be Jennifer Jones because I hate her. -Denise

Dear God, If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. -Raphael

Dear God, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha Ha, -Danny

Dear God, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. -Sam

Dear God, you don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. -Dean

Dear God, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M.

Dear God, I think about you sometimes even when I'm not praying. -Elliott

Dear God, Of all the people who work for you, I like Noah and David the best. -Rob

Dear God, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? -Marsha

Dear God, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. -Love, Chris

Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. -Sincerely, Donna

Dear God, The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with you. That's what I would do. -Eddie

Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are God already. -Charles

Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool. -Eugene

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Miscellaneous Data*

1. The US interstate highway system requires that one mile in every five be straight. These straight sections function as airstrips in times of war and other emergencies.

2. The Boston University Bridge is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.

3. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs have only about ten.

4. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

5. In every episode of Seinfeld, there is a superman somewhere.

6. February 1965 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

7. The cruise liner, Queen Elisabeth II, moves only six inches for every gallon of diesel fuel that it burns.

8. Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book published in every major Dewey Decimal category.

9. Columbia University is the second largest land owner in New York City, after the Catholic Church.

10. Cat urine glows under a black light.

11. Back in the mid-80s, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered 100% compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.

12. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

13. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

14. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child is 2-6 years of age.

15. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

16. If you have three quarters, four dimes and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

17. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

18. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

19. No NFL team which plays its home games in a dome has ever won a Super Bowl.

20. The first toilet ever seen on TV was on "Leave it to Beaver".

21. In the Great Fire of London in 1666, half of the city was burned down but only 6 people were injured.

22. One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers - they saw them as competitors.

23. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 years old.

24. The name Wendy was made up for the book -"Peter Pan".

25. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life".

26. It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. The frog then uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

27. Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.

28. Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar, in "Midnight Cowboy". Her entire role lasted only 6 minutes.

29. Charles Lindburgh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic flight.

30. Goethe couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk.

31. Stewardesses is the longest word that is formally typed with only the left hand.

32. Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always the same sex.

33. To escape the jaws of a crocodile, push your thumbs into it's eyes it will release you instantly.

34. If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will come up heads approximately 4950 times because the heads picture weighs more than the tails side, so it ends up on the bottom more often.

35. Hydroxydeoxycorticosterones is the longest anagram in the English language.

36. Los Angeles' full name is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Pornciuncula.

37. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

38. Al Capone's business card said he was a furniture dealer.

39. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds.

40. Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubbles' maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker.

41. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

42. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

43. The Ramses brand condom is named after the great Pharaoh Ramses II, who fathered over 160 children.

44. If NASA send birds into space, they would soon die because birds need gravity to swallow.

45. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

46. The computer term "byte" is a contraction of "by eight".

47. The average ear of corn has eight hundred kernels arranged in sixteen rows.

48. The famous split-fingered Vulcan salute is actually intended to represent the first letter ("shin", pronounced "sheen") of the word "shalom". As a boy, Leonard Nimoy observed his rabbi using it in a benediction and never forgot it; he was eventually able to add it to Star Trek lore.

49. The idea that "the Boogey Man will get you" comes from the Boogey people, who still inhabit an area of Indonesia. These people still act as pirates today, and attack passing ships.

50. Underground is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters "und".

*(Nothing here is guaranteed by the web master to be true except #42)

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Virus Alert???

If you receive an e-mail entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards

It re-programs your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will drink all your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting. company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.

It is insidious and subtle It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs of infection.

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Truths to Live By

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You never really learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

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True Ads

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special-Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

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Words to Live By

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make when they go flying by.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through chunky peanut butter.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

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Actual Newspaper Headlines

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

6. Farmer Bill Dies in House

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

9. Stud Tires Out

10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

15. Eye Drops off Shelf

16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death

23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84

30. War Dims Hope for Peace

31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

35. Deer Kill 17,000

36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

50. Air Head Fired

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Warning Labels

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's just a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down.
(printed on bottom of the box)
(Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let's experiment!)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
(Or pets! What's for dinner?)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.) (Or underground?)

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
( Not to mention the nut who wrote the warning )

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(Like DUUUHHH)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)

On a child’s superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

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It May Be Hard to Believe That A Scant 100 Years Ago...

The average life expectancy in the United States was forty-seven.

Only 14 percent of the homes in the United States had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was ten mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the twenty-first most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average wage in the U.S. was twenty-two cents an hour. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2500 per year, a veterinarian between $1500 and $4000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births in the United States took place at home.

Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason, either as travelers or immigrants.

The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

Drive-by-shootings -- in which teenage boys galloped down the street on horses and started randomly shooting at houses, carriages, or anything else that caught their fancy -- were an ongoing problem in Denver and other cities in the West.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was thirty. The remote desert community was inhabited by only a handful of ranchers and their families.

Plutonium, insulin, and antibiotics hadn't been discovered yet. Scotch tape, crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

One in ten U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Some medical authorities warned that professional seamstresses were apt to become sexually aroused by the steady rhythm, hour after hour, of the sewing machine's foot pedals. They recommended slipping bromide -- which was thought to diminish sexual desire -- into the woman's drinking water.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health. Coca-Cola contained cocaine instead of caffeine.

Punch card data processing had recently been developed, and early predecessors of the modern computer were used for the first time by the government to help compile the 1900 census.

Eighteen percent of households in the United States had at least one full-time servant or domestic.

There were about 230 reported murders in the U.S. annually.

(Dated 1999)

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Indiana Snow Storm

by Jim Nott

We are still recovering from the storm. Of course, we don't mind. We can sit tight and just watch it snow. I have a blower to clear the driveway.

This is the worst in 20 years. In 1978 we had the mother of all storms. The snow plows were parked for two days because of the high winds. We had "ten and even 20 foot drifts" according to the paper. In some places the snow had to be hauled away. Front end loaders had a problem with finding buried cars the hard way. One VW was unknowingly picked up and dumped into a truck. Those buckets hold five tons of stone.

We didn't get out for several days. About the only moving transport was snowmobiles. They had front end loaders stationed at the fire stations to make a path in case the trucks had to go out. Some streets were not plowed out for ten days. We had ample supplies and utilities so we just watched TV and played games. It was a good reprieve from the regular routine of life. The boys loved it. We figured that for years after that, they were praying for a repeat.

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On Saying Good-Bye

by Helen Silvas

This last month I found myself with one less friend.

The last couple of months I have nursed her, and watched her vigilantly. Wake up early for vet appointments, even after working all night.

In the end, we lost the battle. She and I. She left for a place with a larger yard, lots of sunshine, and where she could still catch a bluebird or dig after a gopher. And I, I got left behind.

Working in a hospital, and doing nursing I have always thought the issue of assisted suicide to be an easy one. Thinking to myself, I thought "sure". When reading the newspapers or listening to news reports of Kevorkians latest "victim", I supported him. I believed in what he did or does. I still do.

But now I have more of an insight. More compassion towards this issue.

Many times I have stood next to a patient's bed and said to myself, "I would rather be dead" referring to the patient's condition.

I have looked upon them, and cared for them, wiped the tears from their cheeks, held their hands, and wondered why--when they couldn’t voice their wants--why the families didn't just let them go.

But today I understand why. Because they love them.

I nursed my friend. Even against the vet's wishes. I measured out her medications--even when out running errands or at the bookstore or cafe--I rushed home to give it to her on time. And when she could no longer feed herself, I held her in my arms and gave her food and water.

I sat or laid next to her, and watched over her. Listened anxiously over her labored breathing.

Throughout this time, I asked myself, fretted over it--what would she want? What would she want me to do?

One morning returning from work I found her in her bed. She had grown too weak to greet me at the door each morning like before.

In my heart I knew--this would be the day. And as morning turned into noon, and still she laid there I knew what I had to do.

At four that afternoon, I carried her in my arms to the car, and set her down on the passenger side. As I drove the four blocks to the vet's office, it seemed like an eternity.

Four blocks seemed like four hundred miles. Through my tears I kept reassuring her that everything would be alright. Reassuring myself.

Once at the office, the vet told me she needed to be put to sleep. He explained how cats sometimes suffer seizures or convulsions right before dying--that it only makes it worst for them.

I, who had always been positive in my stand and views on euthanasia and assisted suicide, now, at this moment, I was not.

But still I shook my head yes.

As my friend, of 14 1/2 years, laid on the table gasping for breath, tears rolled down my face, and I stroked her, until she took her last breath.

I guess the deciding factor, is always to stop the pain, the suffering, when all else has failed. I based my decision this way that afternoon. I can only imagine that others, families, friends, and patients themselves have based their personal decisions this way, too.

On October 1, 1998 Muffin and I said good-bye to each other. I stayed here, and she went to the place God has reserved for beloved friends, companions and pets.

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My Favourite Moment in History

by Buzz Watkins

I'm going to relate a little story from my general studies of history that most related to my personal sense of justice, humor, and, I suppose, irony. I can see myself doing some of this, if I were in their shoes.

I'm just going to go from memory (what's left of it after the 60's), so bear with me if the dates are a little off, or for other discretions I may or may not commit during the course of this rendering. You can pipe in at any time with your own favorites, of course.

It was the War of 1812-1815, the Americans had turned the tide after early British successes. In 1814, the British had one final tribute to pay the New World, the sacking and burning of the President's Mansion in Washington, DC.

A landing party headed by one Major Cockburn (pronounced Coburn, mostly by him) didn't exactly sneak up on the Capitol, as the American press of the Atlantic coast had been harassing him in articles for several months before his landing. Such articles would stress the spelling of his last name, perhaps accompanied by drawings of roosters...well, you get the picture. Cockburn was not a happy camper upon his arrival in the capitol city.

The British troops took a circuitous route through the countryside, but met with little resistance, because most of the American troops were away defending cities such as Baltimore; and, after all, who would dare attack the capitol?

One of Cockburn's first stops in town was at the office of the Washington newspaper of the day, where he directed the smashing of the printing press and the majority of the supplies, with one particular directive that still makes me chuckle today, that of taking special care in the pulverizing of all the "C"s, saying something to the effect, "We'll teach them not to abuse MY name!"

The actual burning of the White House (not so named until later, when they had to white-wash the grey stone to cover the scorch marks above the windows and doors) was almost anti-climactic to the approach through town, where the British had several encounters with prostitutes and other characters.

Upon entering the White House, Cockburn and his staff partook of the still-warm supper left hurriedly by the President and his company, and afterward, lit a cigar and toasted "Jemmy" (James Madison) on his fine house brandy.

The President and his Cabinet had fled to the hills, looking back from a crest to see the flames from the Capitol Building in the night sky.

(PS, Buzz is a bloomin' Britisher in case you didn't guess!)

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The Speed of Beer

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

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Wisdom For Our Time

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." - Lewis Grizzard

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." - Jeff Foxworthy

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." - Dave Barry

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." - Bob Ettinger

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." - Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." - Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my Fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." - Lynda Montgomery

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner." - Roseanne

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" - Richard Jeni

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." - Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." - Paul Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." - Jerry Seinfeld

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" - Warren Hutcherson

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde

"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet." - Mae West

"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress...But I repeat myself." - Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." - A. Whitney Brown

"Ah, yes, divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." - Roseanne

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" - Dave Barry

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." - George Carlin

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." - Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot a tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

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A Half-Baked Obituary

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

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You know it is hot in Fresno when:


The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. 

The trees are whistling for the dogs. 

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. 

Hot water now comes out of both taps. 

You can make sun tea instantly. 

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron! 

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly. 

You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car. 

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window. 

You actually burn your hand opening the car door. 

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. 

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?" 

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state. 

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper. 

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs. 

The cows are giving evaporated milk. 

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How to Tell You're Getting Older

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, and new knees. Fought prostate cancer AND diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92 and have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my DRIVERS LICENSE.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week".  

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!


Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.


THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

 

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My Email Education


I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in the special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I can't enjoy a good Latte from Starbucks anymore because they WOULD NOT send any coffee to that poor Army sergeant who requested it.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer worry about sudden cardiac arrest, since I can now cough myself back to life instead of wasting time calling 911.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up a $5 bill in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this information to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician, who is a lawyer.

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Answers to Citizenship Quiz

1. 50

2. One for each state in the Union.

3. Red and white

4. They represent the 13 original states.

5. July 4th

6. England

7. Amendments

8. Three

9. Two

10. The President

11. Nine

12. Thomas Jefferson

13. Thanksgiving

14. Francis Scott Key

15. 18

16. Abraham Lincoln

17. George Washington

18. Hawaii

19. The Mayflower

20. The Congress

21. Colonies

22. 1787

23. The Preamble

24. George Washington

25. November

26. There is no limit at the present time.

27. The President

28. The Electoral College

29. 50

30. Speaker of the House of Representatives

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Ten Little Doctors

The author of this is unknown. It was found among my Mother's papers, and I believe she got it from her mother.

One little doctor looks you through and through
Can’t diagnose your case, then there are two

Two little doctors failing to agree
Call a consultation, then there are three 

Three little doctors poke you o’er and o’er
Send for a specialist, then there are four 

Four little doctors wonder you’re alive
Another brings a stomach pump, then there are five 

Five little doctors trying fancy tricks
Order in an alienist, then there are six

Six little doctors preparing you for heaven
In comes a DD, then there are seven 

Seven little doctors think it’s in your spine
Ask for a neurologist, then there are nine 

Nine little doctors all of whom are men
Send for Mary Baker, then there are ten 

Ten little doctors standing by your bed
Come to a decision, find that you are dead

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How Small Is Small

One of our Wauseon readers, Mike Balash, recently passed through a small town in South Dakota and clipped the following piece out of the local newspaper. Said Mike: "I especially liked the second and last lines."  

You know you’re in a small town when...  

Third Street is on the edge of town.

The editor of the newspaper carries a camera at all times.

You don’t use your turn signal because everyone knows where you’re going.

You are born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local merchants because you are the first baby of the year.

You speak to each dog you pass by name and he wags at you.

You dial a wrong number and talk for 15 minutes anyway.

You are run off main street by a combine.

You can’t walk for exercise because every car that passes offers you a ride.

You get married and the local paper devotes a quarter page to the story.

You drive into the ditch five miles out of town and the word gets back to town before you do.

The pickups on main street out­number the cars three to one.

You miss a Sunday at church – and receive a get-well card.

Someone asks you how you feel, then listens to what you say.

Thank goodness for small towns...and the people who live in them!

(From the Fulton County (OH) Expositor)

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Murphy's Other Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.



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Lexophile Humor

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in linoleum blown apart.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

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A Trip to COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.  I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.  I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

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English Is Easy

You think English is easy???

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object. 

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it..

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line..

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind out the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

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Eight Thoughts to Ponder on the Toilet

Number 8 Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years

Number 4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

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Aphorisms for the Computer Age

 1. Home is where you hang your @

2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks

 

5. C:\ is the root of all directories

 

6. Too many clicks spoil the browse

 

7. The geek shall inherit the earth

 

8. A chat has nine lives

 

9. Don't byte off more than you can view

 

10. Great groups from little icons grow

 

11. Fax is stranger than fiction

 

12. What boots up must come down

 

13. Windows will never cease

 

14. Modulation in all things

 

15. In Gates we trust

 

16. A user and his leisure time are soon parted

 

17. There's no place like http://www.home.com

 

18. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice

 

19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Web and he won’t bother you for weeks!

 

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Punography

I changed my iPod name to Titanic.  It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.  

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.  

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.  

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.  He says he can stop any time.  

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.  

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.  

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.  

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.  

I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words.  

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.  

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.  

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.  

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.  

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.  I hope there's no pop quiz.  

Energizer bunny arrested.  Charged with battery.  

I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.  

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!  

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?  

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.  

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.  

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.  Then it hit me!  

Broken pencils are pointless.  

I tried to catch some fog.  I mist.  

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.  

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .  

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.  

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.  

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.  Police have nothing to go on .  

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.  

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.  

Velcro - what a rip off!  

Cartoonist found dead in home.  Details are sketchy.  

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!  

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.  

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.  

Be kind to your dentist.  He has fillings, too.

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And they Ask Why I Like Retirement

How many days in a week? 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday.

When is a retiree's bedtime? Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it might take all day.

What's the biggest gripe of retirees? There is not enough time to get everything done.

Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? The term comes with a 10% discount.

Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? Tied shoes.

Why do retirees count pennies? They are the only ones who have the time.

What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? NUTS!

Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to either move in or store stuff there.

What do retirees call a long lunch? Normal.

What is the best way to describe retirement? The never ending coffee break.

What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? They are too polite to tell the whole truth.

What do you do all week? Monday through Friday, I do nothing. Saturday and Sunday, I rest.

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Doctor Geezer's Clinic

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr.Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr.Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Aaagh !! – This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. 

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!" 

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back! That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1,000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1,000 back." (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr. Young: But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500!"

Moral of story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

  

As I age, I realize that...

I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice

Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop ticking me off

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work

The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it"

When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation

The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about

Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out clean, wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees

When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes"

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

 
Bob Hope on Aging

ON TURNING 70
"You still chase women, but only downhill."
 
ON TURNING 80
"That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
 
ON TURNING 90
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
 
ON TURNING 100
"I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then  it's time for my nap."

  

 

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Updated December 29, 2015